#8 Belonging + Intergenerational Trauma

Apr 11

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In this episode, Dr. Mona speaks with guest Dr. Mariel Buqué, an Afro-Latina clinical psychologist and author of the book, “Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma” – featured on Oprah’s Book Club Instagram in January 2024. Dr. Mariel earned her doctoral degree in psychology at Columbia University, where she also trained as a holistic mental health fellow within Columbia University Irving Medical Center (CUIMC). She is also the CEO of Break the Cycle of Trauma. Her mission is to reduce the recurrence of Intergenerational ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences).

First, Dr. Mariel explains what trauma means to her as a clinical psychologist. She says trauma is a longstanding emotional response, or one might even call it a coping mechanism, in reference to having experienced trauma or some form of adversity. Our bodies and minds cope to keep us protected from the possibility of that adversity happening again. Coping styles are situated in our nervous system. Trauma itself is not necessarily the event, because multiple people can experience the same event but not have trauma. Trauma is the emotional remnants, experiences, and coping mechanisms that we've adopted subconsciously in order to help us survive the original adversity and avoid that adversity again. It creates a hyper-alerted threat response to safeguard us from perceived or real danger. In addition, if we experience multiple forms of trauma in a short amount of time, our nervous system can get layered with multiple traumatic memories.

Next, Dr. Mariel shares how trauma becomes intergenerational trauma, which happens at the intersection of biology and psychology. This kind of trauma has a multitude of layers, most notably in changes to our genetic expressions. If our ancestors have had experiences of prolonged suffering and trauma retention in their minds and bodies, it can change their genetic expressions enough to change their nervous systems. Once they conceive their own children, that genetic encoding can get passed down as genetic messages to offspring. When our grandmothers were pregnant at five months gestation, they had an embryo within them, whether it was our mother or father. That embryo at five months already carried the precursor sex cells that would develop into the cells that would eventually become us when our parents conceived us. That means we have three generations living in one body. If our grandmothers experienced trauma, their embryos inherited the genetic expressions of stressors and adversity. Whatever experiences were happening in our grandmother's environment would filter stress hormones into their bloodstream, reaching the embryo and reaching that precursor sex cell, which would eventually turn into us. When we're talking about intergenerational trauma and the intergenerational nervous system, we take it two generations back into an understanding of the stress markers and ways in which our bodies would have ingested the stressors that were happening two generations ago. If we have a multi-generational home, these three generations can collectively trigger one another and have different trauma responses.

In order to move through intergenerational healing, Dr. Mariel first shares that many of us have an inability to have compassion for our parents for everything they have gone through. We don’t realize the enormity of pain they have had to carry their entire lives. She encourages us to lead with an element of compassion because when we are hyper-focused on a situation at hand, we can forget that we are a living embodiment of our histories and our family’s histories. Our response in that situation isn’t just situational, but also generational. We are called to humanize ourselves and each other. Her last message is the element of hope. We can survive and live lives that are full, nurturing and thriving even when we’ve had wounds that were intergenerational. We can also infuse hope in people to show that we can heal on behalf of the people that couldn’t. Dr. Mona shares that when some of her clients start doing the work, they become resentful to their parents or family members who haven’t done the work, but we need to remember that we have privileges now that were unavailable to our parents and ancestors.

To create connection and belonging with family members that haven’t healed, Dr. Mariel says it’s essential for us to hone in on the process of healing. We have to sit with the emotions we feel. It’s very easy to point the finger back, but the people that were in the previous generations had different ways they had to cope with different circumstances. There are generational experiences of coping or collective coping that happens generation to generation. For example, boomers were socialized to use avoidance as a coping mechanism. We need to find ways to grieve the family that we wished we had. When we radically accept this as it is, our stress levels and suffering decrease. But when we say we must or should change them, it increases our suffering. The connection between belonging and intergenerational healing is so intertwined that it can’t be extracted from one another. We can forgive ourselves in our healing, and lead with compassion and understanding. She also suggests finding people who we can co-heal, either people whom we are directly connected to or in our proximity. She has a script in her book that you can use as an entry point into having healing conversations with family members. Finally, Dr. Mariel shares that to her, belonging means having a sense of honest self-inquiry into ourselves to have a deeper understanding of how we wish to belong.

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1:12 - Dr. Mona introduces today’s guest, Dr. Mariel Buqué.

3:24 - What is trauma?

6:47 - How does trauma become intergenerational trauma?

18:17 - How does someone move through intergenerational healing?

25:24 - How do people create connection and belonging with family members that haven’t healed?

36:13 - Connection between belonging and intergenerational healing.

43:46 - What does belonging mean to you?

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Learn more about Dr. Mariel Buqué

Follow Dr. Mariel on LinkedIn and IG

Purchase the book “Break the Cycle”