#39 Belonging + Ethical Non-Monogamy (Part 2)

Feb 20

In today’s episode, Dr. Mona welcomes guest Ian Riutta for part two of their conversation on ethical non-monogamy (ENM).

To begin, Ian highlights that many misunderstand ENM by focusing solely on the "non-monogamy" aspect, often reducing it to physical or sexual interactions. This oversimplification overlooks the ethical, emotional, and relational dimensions of ENM, which he stresses is not merely about physicality but about creating diverse, fulfilling connections. Ian and Dr. Mona emphasize the emotional richness of ENM, likening it to friendships where different people fulfill various emotional needs. Ian explains that having multiple partners allows for the exploration and activation of different aspects of oneself.

Ian describes how ENM fosters a sense of belonging by allowing him to present his authentic self to multiple partners. Each relationship enables him to feel wanted and appreciated in unique ways, fulfilling emotional and communal needs. Dr. Mona adds that societal norms often pathologize the need for connection, viewing it as weakness, particularly in women. She highlights the importance of embracing humanity’s inherent social nature and rejecting such stigmatization. Ian expands on the importance of having needs met by multiple people. He rejects the notion that any one person can fully satisfy another’s emotional, physical, and social needs. ENM alleviates pressure on individual partners to fulfill all needs, allowing them to focus on their strengths within the relationship.

Then, Ian and Dr. Mona reflect on how traditional monogamy may have its origins in the concept of property ownership. According to this perspective, monogamy emerged to ensure that one’s accumulated possessions passed down to direct descendants rather than being shared freely. This societal framework emphasized ownership, including the notion of “owning” a partner. Polyamory as a dynamic where partners choose to be together freely, not because of obligation or ownership. Ian emphasizes the importance of personal agency and freedom in relationships. The discussion expands to critique cultural norms surrounding relationships, including monogamy and practices like taking a partner’s last name in marriage. These traditions have historical roots in systems of ownership and control, especially in patriarchal structures. Ian advocates for questioning and challenging these norms if they no longer serve individuals or align with modern values. Listeners are encouraged to engage in self-reflection, regardless of their relationship style, and to consider whether they’ve ever repressed aspects of their identity or interests to fit into a relationship.

Ian then shares how he explained his polyamorous identity to his children. He approached the conversation with openness, presenting ENM as a valid and kind way to love multiple people. By framing it simply and matter-of-factly, he found that his children accepted the concept without judgment or confusion. He stresses that his parenting approach ensures his kids understand they have the freedom to choose any relationship structure—or none at all—based on their preferences. Ian acknowledges he didn’t realize ENM was an option until later in life and wants his children to grow up knowing all their choices, encouraging informed decision-making. By normalizing diverse identities and relationship structures, parents create an environment where children can explore their authentic selves without societal pressures or shame.

In closing, Ian and Dr. Mona explore the ethical considerations of non-monogamy, with Ian noting that being transparent with partners is critical. ENM requires informed, enthusiastic consent and open communication. Ian reflects on how some people judge polyamorous individuals for being open about their relationships, even though those same people may engage in similar behaviors, like dating multiple people, without the same level of honesty.

The conversation ends with a reaffirmation of the importance of offering diverse relationship models and understanding personal ethics. Ian emphasizes that ENM, like any relationship style, requires a clear set of guidelines and values to ensure healthy, informed, and consensual connections. Embracing different approaches to relationships contributes to personal growth and healthier interactions.

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0:40 - Dr. Mona Introduces Today’s Episode and Guest, Ian Riutta.

1:42 - Misconceptions About Ethical Non-Monogamy.

5:15 - Belonging Through ENM.

6:58 - Human Needs and Relationship Pressure.

13:29 - The Concept of Agency in Ethical Non-Monogamy.

15:15 - Re-examining Relationship Norms.

18:54 - Encouraging Self-Reflection.

20:51 - Parenting and Ethical Non-Monogamy.

24:23 - Normalizing Diversity in Relationships and Identity.

26:24 - Societal Resistance and the Importance of Choice.

29:40 - Concluding Thoughts on Relationship Diversity.