#38 Belonging + Ethical Non-Monogamy (Part 1)

Feb 13

In this episode, Dr. Mona welcomes guest Ian Riutta to discuss ethical non-monogamy (E&M), an increasingly visible yet often misunderstood relationship structure. Dr. Mona and Ian plan to explore the differences between E&M, polyamory, and other umbrella terms, offering insight into how these practices shape identity and relationships.

To begin, Ian introduces himself as a single father and game designer with two decades of experience in the gaming industry. He started his career at LucasArts, working on Star Wars and Indiana Jones games, transitioning from testing to junior design. He describes the joy of seeing his children enjoy games he worked on and the rewarding connections he’s made with colleagues and fans. He then recounts his upbringing as the child of a Coast Guard officer. His family moved frequently, which posed challenges in maintaining friendships and creating long-term connections. Ian’s family’s consistency served as a protective factor against the disruptions of frequent moves. Ian’s empathy for outsiders grew from his frequent moves during childhood and adolescence. As a result, he made an effort to seek out those on the margins, building connections with others who felt excluded. These values carried into adulthood, where he became an active community organizer, hosting gatherings and fostering safe spaces for others.

Next, Ian recounts his dating journey, which began relatively late, having his first kiss and romantic relationship at age 20. As he matured, Ian’s confidence grew, fueled by a clearer sense of self-worth and the support of loving relationships. He describes how being in an ethically non-monogamous relationship offers security and reassurance, making it easier to take risks in meeting new people. Knowing he had partners who valued and loved him provided a strong emotional foundation, reducing the stakes of potential rejection. This sense of belonging and support mirrors the unconditional acceptance Ian experienced within his own family. Ian emphasizes the value of having a "home base" in both family and romantic relationships—a secure, loving environment to recharge.

The conversation delves into a transformative moment of understanding about love and relationships. Ian reflects on a scene where a partner, despite personal limitations, prioritizes the happiness of their significant other, even if that joy comes from someone else. This perspective is viewed as an act of profound love and generosity, sparking a realization about the importance of prioritizing a loved one’s happiness over personal ego. Romantic relationships can thrive when freed from the pressure of being the sole source of a partner's happiness. The discussion shifts to the common assumption that jealousy prevents non-monogamy from working. While jealousy is acknowledged as a natural emotion, Ian suggests it stems from a scarcity mindset—the fear that there isn’t enough love or joy to go around. By adopting a mindset of abundance, one can understand that love is not a limited resource. Ian describes love as additive and limitless, contrasting it with the idea of a finite resource like a pie. Each relationship—whether with a child, a partner, or a friend—brings out unique aspects of themselves and offers distinct experiences of love.

Jealousy, on the other hand, is a natural emotion that can arise but doesn’t necessarily inhibit the practice of polyamory. Jealousy is a manageable emotion that can often be mitigated through open communication and reassurance. Ian recounts a personal strategy of addressing jealousy when a partner spends time with someone else, finding comfort and resolution through direct reassurance and understanding. He describes the concept of "compersion" as the opposite of jealousy—taking pleasure in witnessing a partner’s joy with another person.

The conversation shifts to clarifying ethical non-monogamy as an overarching term encompassing various relationship styles, such as polyamory and relationship anarchy. Ian cautions against creating rigid rules that dictate a partner’s behavior, suggesting instead that personal boundaries should be prioritized. Ethical non-monogamy is contrasted with unethical practices, such as cheating or failing to disclose pertinent information, which undermine trust and autonomy. He also underscores the distinction between polyamory and casual non-monogamy.

In closing, it is reiterated that open and honest communication is critical to ethical non-monogamy.

*****

0:40 - Dr. Mona Introduces Today’s Episode and Guest, Ian Riutta.

6:25 - Ian’s Background as a Game Designer and Military Brat.

11:31 - The Impact of Family and Mobility on Belonging.

17:33 - Ian’s Evolution of Dating: From Hesitation to Confidence.

19:51 - The Importance of Emotional Security.

23:00 - Shifting Perspectives on Love and Generosity.

25:44 - Reframing Jealousy and Embracing Abundance.

28:13 - The Infinite Nature of Love.

29:35 - Jealousy vs. Envy.

32:07 - Ethical Non-Monogamy and its Foundations.