#16 Belonging while Bisexual

Jun 6

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In this episode, Dr. Mona speaks with guest, clinical mental health counseling graduate student, Maria Hailey.

Kicking off the conversation, Dr. Mona asks Maria what identities are most prevalent for her. Maria says she is a cisgender, bixsexual white woman and is now a student, which puts her in a low socioeconomic bracket. She is middle-aged at 50 years old. Before turning middle-aged, she expected to have a mid-life crisis, but now she loves this time in her life and that her “give-a-damn” button was broken years ago. The process of naming her bixsexual identity started in her twenties because the phase didn’t go away – she never “grew out of it” or stopped being attracted to women. When she realized it wasn’t just a phase, that’s when she started to realize she was bisexual. She knew what it was and wasn’t afraid of it. However, she was taught that it wasn’t safe to be bisexual in many environments, including her small, racist, and homophobic hometown. She first had a crush on a girl at 11 and questioned why she felt the same way toward a girl that she did toward boys. It didn’t feel wrong or ugly, but she knew it was not safe and therefore kept it to herself.

Next, Maria shares how isolating it was to keep that part of her identity only to herself. She felt like she couldn’t be honest about something that was so integral to who she was. It was the 1980s at the time and she wasn’t confused or questioning herself about those feelings – it was just the environment. It was safe to be attracted to boys, but not to be attracted to girls. She heard that girls were attracted to other girls when they were teenagers and that they would grow out of that phase. She thought if people saw this part of her, they wouldn’t want to hang out with her anymore. She didn’t know at the time that people could like many genders. But she didn’t feel broken and didn’t allow herself to think that she was. When she was 17, she realized she wasn’t going to grow out of it and she told a close friend that she was bisexual. That friend never talked to her again, so she continued to keep it hidden because she felt it was still not safe or accepted. There were points in her relationships where she wanted to share who she was, and her boyfriends always responded in two ways. They either asked if she was going to date women while she was already in a relationship, or asked if they could have a three-way. She felt she was either demonized or fetishized, and this happened in many of her relationships.

Maria then points out that biphobia is not just present in the straight community, but also in the LGTBQ+ communities. She doesn’t feel gay or queer enough to be part of the LGTBQ+ communities and is at the same time ousted from the straight communities. Only in this past year was she told by a gay coworker that she would be welcomed in his community, and this was the first time she felt belonging in the LGTBQ+ communities. Dr. Mona reminds us that we don’t have to belong in all the spaces to have a full, rich life. We can identify a couple spaces where we feel seen, embraced, and celebrated to have a stronger sense of belonging and connection.

Maria also talks about how her sexual identity impacted her role as a parent. She told her son she was bisexual just this year when he asked how she felt about schools teaching about LGTBQ+ folx to children in kindergarten. She said she was okay with it because it showed that people like her existed; they were real, and they were okay. Her son simply responded “okay,” and he doesn’t treat her any differently. That conversation also improved their relationship and brought them closer.

Most of Maria’s fears these days are with the healthcare system. She still hasn’t told her physicians that she’s bisexual because she is worried they will treat her differently. She says that healthcare providers need to regularly reflect and act on their own biases. Allies can support bisexual-identifying folx by disproving myths that bisexual people will grow out of the phase and that they’re not gay enough. She also says that people who go into the mental health and healthcare fields should serve all people regardless of their identities.

Lastly, Maria shares that to her, belonging means feeling like she’s in a space when she’s with her people and they’re with her. She wants everyone to be her people and she’s holding out hope that one day it could be everyone.

*****

1:06 - Dr. Mona introduces today’s guest, Maria Hailey.

3:59 - What identities are most prevalent for you?

6:07 - What was the process for naming your bisexual identity?

7:09 - When was your first crush?

8:07 - When was that something you knew before you could put words to it?

9:34 - How does it feel to keep something like that to yourself?

15:15 - What has that experience of biphobia looked like for you?

23:00 - How has your sexual identity impacted your role as a parent?

25:11 - How has that impacted the connection with your son?

27:40 - Do you have any fears or concerns with the upcoming political climate?

29:25 - What can allies do for you to make you feel more seen and embraced?