#17 Belonging as a Gay Parent

Jun 13

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In this episode, Dr. Mona welcomes guest Joe Parker, a former dentist who now owns a gluten-free bakery in Benson, North Carolina. In addition to being a baker, Joe and his husband are fathers to triplets.

Kicking off the conversation, Joe walks us through his journey from when he first came out to where he is today. He believes that it is necessary for people to accept their sexuality before they can show their real selves to others. He had girlfriends in the past and did not explore his attraction to men until he was in dental school. While on a school trip to London, he had his first connections with other men and knew he had to break things off with his girlfriend when he returned home. Joe first came out to a fellow student who was openly gay. By chance, he befriended André Leon Talley and ended up spending a summer in New York and was exposed to both the fashion and gay scene in the city. He remembers feeling the most comfortable in his skin that he had ever felt while he was in New York. At the end of this summer, he came out to his parents and decided to return to North Carolina to finish his degree. Coming out wasn’t easy and cost Joe several friendships. Although his dad accepted him right away, it took about 18 months for his mother to speak to him after he came out to her. From that experience, Joe was determined to love and accept his children no matter who they grow up to be.

Joe met his husband within a year of graduating from dental school and moving to Raleigh. They have been together for 15 years and married for 10 years. When he first came out, he never imagined that he would get married or have children. The two of them married at a courthouse in California, where Joe was attending a pastry class. That very day, gay marriage became legal in all 50 states. Still, Joe did not tell his family about the marriage for 3 years because he was afraid they still wouldn’t accept him. When an attorney they knew approached Joe and his husband about taking in a foster child, Joe finally felt it was the right time to tell them. When they were forced to give away the foster child because of a homophobic social worker and after they experienced challenges with adoption agencies, they began saving up and looking for an egg donor so they could have a biological child. Eventually, after spending months looking for a surrogate, they ended up with three boys – triplets: Albert, Alex, and Adrian.

It was because Joe had the courage to be honest with himself and with others about his true self that he now has a life rich in love. Today, he truly feels like he belongs exactly where he is. He encourages listeners to ask themselves if they feel like they belong in their lives.

Joe also shares his own experience about how being gay and being a parent sometimes feel at odds against the others. Joe never feels the urge to apologize for being different from some parents in some environments. When you really feel that you are living your truth, other people’s opinions begin to matter less and less to you. He stresses the financial difficulties that gay men face if they want to have children of their own, in addition to an extensive test at a psychiatrist’s office. He shares how his social circle has changed since he first came out at age 27. However, he adores his life and his multicultural family filled with love (and incredible food)!

In closing, Joe shares his own definition of belonging. No matter what your circumstance or where you are, you create a sense of self and have self-respect in whatever environment you’re placed in. Sometimes, you have to create your own opportunity to belong.

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1:20 - Dr. Mona introduces today’s guest, Joe Parker.

3:05 - Joe’s journey from coming out to where he is today.

11:00 - Joe and his husband’s journey to parenthood.

20:30 - How Joe’s courage led him to the life he has today.

25:05 - Joe’s experience being a gay parent.

31:00 - The challenges gay men face if they want a family.

32:22 - How Joe’s social circle has changed since he first came out at 27.

38:50 - What does belonging mean to Joe?

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Resources that Joe mentioned in this episode: