#31 Belonging + Religious Trauma

Sep 19

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In this episode, Dr. Mona speaks with Dr. Shelby Kittinger. Dr. Shelby is a licensed clinical psychologist, psychodynamic therapist, speaker, and consultant in Portland, Oregon. She specializes in the treatment of religious and relational trauma, body image, and anxiety. Dr. Shelby is passionate about entering into depth with others and carving out a safe space that sparks curiosity and creates authentic connections.

To begin, Dr. Shelby shares her path to becoming a clinical psychologist, which was not always clear to her from the start. Raised in a small, tightly-knit religious community, she had no exposure to psychology or mental health concepts. As she moved into adulthood, supportive mentors recognized her potential and helped guide her into the field of psychology, even as she was still figuring it out. She now feels fortunate to have found a career that aligns with her passion and curiosity, especially in the area of religious trauma, which has personal and professional significance for her.

Next, Dr. Mona introduces the topic of religious trauma and invites Dr. Shelby to explain what it means and how prevalent it is. Dr. Shelby explains that while religion can be a source of identity, community, and healing for many, it can also cause harm for some individuals. She compares this to family dynamics, where the hope is for secure, loving attachments, but this doesn’t always happen. She also emphasizes that addressing religious trauma does not diminish the positive role religion can play.

The term religious trauma refers to the psychological harm experienced by individuals leaving authoritarian or dogmatic religions. It often resembles chronic PTSD due to its repetitive and enduring nature. While not everyone who is religious will experience trauma, trauma can occur under the umbrella of religious experiences, especially when religion is a foundational part of someone’s life.

Dr. Shelby describes the wide-ranging impacts she sees of religious trauma among her clients. Religious trauma often stunts typical childhood development, leaving individuals without the opportunity to explore their own ideas and form a healthy sense of self. As a result, they may experience developmental immaturity, not knowing how to handle complex or nuanced situations. Dr Shelby also describes working with clients who are hesitant to step outside their usual preferences, whether it’s wearing certain colors or decorating their spaces. The approach often starts with subtle changes, such as trying out a new accessory or rearranging furniture. These small shifts can prompt deep emotional responses, sometimes leading clients to tears, as they begin to rediscover their preferences and reclaim their identities in ways that feel safe.

A profound sense of grief usually accompanies religious trauma, particularly when leaving a religious community. For many, leaving such a community means losing the celebration and support of friends, family, and the entire social network they grew up with. Dr. Shelby believes therapy offers a space to explore these questions without the pressure to arrive at definitive answers. The safety to sit with uncertainty is essential for healing, especially when unmasking one's true self feels terrifying. For queer-identifying people, religious trauma often carries an additional layer of rejection, as many religious communities fundamentally oppose their identities. The rejection of one's fundamental identity by a religious community that professes love is one of the most painful experiences of religious trauma.

Dr. Mona and Dr. Shelby recognize that the process of healing from religious trauma can vary greatly depending on where someone is in their journey. The most important aspect of healing is broadening one’s life experiences, interests, and communities to foster new connection points. Dr. Shelby also shares some helpful practices for those in their healing journey.

Finally, Dr. Shelby explains what belonging means to her: the space to be curious, to change your mind, and know that there is always an embrace on the other side no matter what path you choose to take.

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0:40 - Dr. Mona introduces today’s guest, Dr. Shelby Kittiger.

1:27 - Dr. Shelby’s journey to becoming a clinical psychologist.

3:41 - Understanding religious trauma.

10:10 - Manifestations of religious trauma among Dr. Shelby’s clients.

15:44 - Exploring identity through color and environment.

21:27 - Religious trauma and loss of community.

23:43 - The discomfort of uncertainty and the role of therapy.

27:12 - Religious trauma and the LGBTQ community.

40:14 - Dr. Shelby shares some insightful healing and processing tips.

44:48 - What belonging means to Dr. Shelby.

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