#3 Belonging + Perfectionism

Mar 7

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In this episode, Dr. Mona speaks with Dr. Tara Sanderson about belonging and perfectionism. Dr. Sanderson is a licensed psychologist in Oregon and the author of the book Too Much, Not Enough.

First, Dr. Sanderson explains what perfectionism means to her. Dr. Sanderson looked back on her life in 2017 as she was ready to write a book and was struggling with wanting to make a “perfect book.” She always grew up with that need to be perfect and was the one person everyone else could go to for advice. She was deeply kind and giving, but felt really broken inside. She thought if she followed all the rules, then she would be “okay.” She points out that perfectionism is so lonely – when people post pictures of their perfect lives on social media, you rarely see actual people.

Next, Dr. Sanderson talks about the need for people to feel comfortable. Seeing other people in discomfort creates discomfort in us. When we can make other people feel comfortable, it assuages our distress. It could also be not safe to find out how they would act if you don’t calm them down – the risk is too high. Dr. Mona points out that there is a cost to belonging – when you belong, you are seen and truly celebrated, so you have to show the messy sides of yourself and be human. It’s a vulnerable space. Dr. Sanderson gives the analogy of puppies that have never been hurt that will lay on their bellies for rubs and kisses. When puppies have been hurt, they rarely flip over on their back because it’s tender and vulnerable. She thinks of perfectionism as putting on your armor for the day. It may be the perfect makeup, outfit or shoes to make sure that people see what we think they expect to see. You are really cautious all the time and you are projecting this image instead of being comfortable in who you are. You are also trapped by your armor because it's constricting. No one can know who you are when you wear armor. This perfectionism trait also comes from that scarcity mindset that there aren't enough people to go around.

Then, Dr. Sanderson explains the lessons she’s learned from perfectionism. She had this moment when she wanted to call her book, “Where is the syllabus for this part of my life?” She was way too dependent on the external world telling her how to live. Perfectionism requires masking yourself to fit into the world instead of embracing who you are. It is this intrinsic need that no one will worry about me or see me as being something different than everybody else. We’re in our head a lot with perfectionism and we think about what is the “right” way to do something. We need to challenge what right and perfect means and the notion that “this is the best and right way,” meaning that there’s a worse and wrong way. Our right and wrong values are rooted in colonized concepts and dominant cultural concepts, but don't necessarily align with our own values. We need to make sure that what we are doing aligns with who and what are most important to us. Part of the work therapists do is help people identify their values and understand how that navigates their decisions. When you are aligned with your own values, you have freedom of choice, freedom to be your true self and for others to be true to themselves. You are giving yourself permission to be.

To create a world like that, it happens one relationship at a time, but the first step is starting with ourselves. Dr. Sanderson gives an example of how she went on a cruise with her husband with all new clothes. She wondered how the world would perceive her in that outfit because she had never worn it before. The internal Tara did not change, only the wrappings around her body looked different. We can do different things in different environments and still be the same person. To her, belonging means starting with yourself. We all have areas we are working on and trying to keep up with, and no one is perfect. Belonging is being able to be without repercussions.

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1:07 - Dr. Mona introduces today’s guest, Dr. Tara Sanderson.

4:15 - What has perfectionism meant for you?

7:28 - Dr. Sanderson explains the need for people to feel comfortable.

10:35 - How does perfectionism keep people from being seen and embraced?

13:36 - Lessons from perfectionism.

20:43 - When you are aligned with your own values, how is your sense of belonging impacted?

24:26 - How do I create a world that looks like that?

34:46 - What does belonging mean to you?

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