#22 Belonging while Asian American

Aug 8

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In today’s episode, Dr. Mona chats with guest Lys Lin. Lys is a mental health therapist that works at Nour Counseling & Consulting. She was born and raised in Taiwan, and was the first person in her family to move from Taiwan to the United States. She decided to stay in the US for her career and love.

First, Lys shares that as an Asian immigrant who is not a citizen yet, she doesn’t feel like she can speak for the Asian Americans born and raised here. She has only been here for 11 years and didn’t use to view herself as a Person of Color. To her, a Person of Color referred to a Black or Brown person, someone with darker skin. She says she felt like she was taking up someone else’s space by being identified as a Person of Color. She tells a story how her friend asked if she was going to the Student of Color Orientation and Lys said she wasn’t a student of color, but her friend said she was. That event changed how she saw herself.

She also points out how diverse the Asian American populations are. Because she is from East Asia, many people assume that her family is doing well financially and have the right resources to succeed in America, but there are also many Asian immigrants who are refugees. In addition, by lumping together groups of people like Native Hawaiians (NH) and Pacific Islanders (PI) with Asian Americans, we assume they all have the same needs, while in reality that can lead to taking aways the resources from people who need them. There is also guilt in belonging to a certain community in a way that’s been defined for you that you didn’t ask for. None of us can represent an entire group of people because of our unique and diverse experiences.

Next, Lys discusses the common themes she sees in clients who are Asian or bicultural. She says she often hears the mentality that they are not good enough, or that they have complicated relationships with their parents. Second generation immigrants struggle in communicating with their first generation parents. She also has clients who can’t speak in their parents’ language and they feel they aren’t understood by their parents. Academic success is one of the biggest successes for thriving in a nation and if learning the parents’ first language is deemed as a distraction from learning in schools, then it will not be a priority.

Dr. Nour then shares a study she conducted with 314 individuals who had at least one parent that immigrated to the US. She studied how fragmented their bicultural identities were. She found that the more integrated they were, the better mental health outcomes they tended to have. She also found the more proficient an individual is in their parents’ native language, the more integrated they are and the more sense of belonging they felt. Dr. Mona and Lys also discuss the role internalized racism plays in this process. Usually, learning the mother’s language is discouraged or disregarded because the parents want their child to belong. Other examples include giving English names to the kids or not wanting to bring non-American food to school.

In addition, Lys also talks about the stereotypical images of Asian American in pop culture. There are many stereotypes of Asian women, but few people are paying attention to Asian males. She says that there are four main stereotypes for Asian males: the kungfu master, the fresh off the boat foreigner, the smart sidekick of the white hero, and the villain. It is hard for Asian males to get out of those stereotypes because what we see in media programs itself into our brains. This shows that representation does matter because the conscious and subconscious mind can not actually break it down. Lys has an Asian American female client that doesn’t feel like she belongs in any social setting. She prepares before social settings to fit into what is expected of her because she is the only Asian there.

They discuss the idea of belonging negotiation, which is the level or degree of self abandonment one can handle to be accepted, but you can't be fully accepted if you’re not fully showing yourself. For allies who want to create more belonging for Asian Americans, Lys suggests to be curious and to not jump to the defensive mode immediately. She also says to ask questions like, “What is it like for you?” and “What makes you feel offended?” She also says that food is not the only thing about Asian cultures, so try to go deeper than the surface level of culture by asking about values. Also be aware of your biases and understand that the charities you donate to and who you are married to does not mean you can’t have biases or be racist.

In conclusion, they talk about a study in 2023 where 80% of Asian Americans felt they didn’t belong and weren't accepted in some way. Lys shared a recent example where a stranger asked her in Costco where she was from. She asked why they wanted to know, instead of answering the question right away. We don’t have to belong to everyone and you get to decide and have agency over that. Lastly, Lys shares that belonging to her means not feeling responsible or apologetic for how her identity makes others feel.

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0:39 - Dr. Mona introduces today’s guest, Lys Lin.

3:50 - What did a person of color in your mind look like?

14:12 - What are the common themes your clients have who are Asian or bicultural?

21:59 - What are the barriers for feeling proud of our descendents?

23:47 - The stereotypes of Asian Americans in pop culture.

27:58 - Are these stereotypes something you see in your client sessions?

30:19 - What are ways to create more belonging for Asian Americans?

38:08 - What does belonging mean to Lys?

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Learn more about Lys Lin

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