#14 Belonging + Self-Esteem
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In this episode, Dr. Mona speaks with licensed therapist and professor Dr. Richard Tyler-Walker about the intricate relationship between self-esteem and belonging.
Kicking off the conversation, Dr. Richard shares how he became interested in the topic of self-esteem first through his own healing journey and then clinically. As an adolescent, he moved 11 times before the age of 13. He was raised mostly in Canada, and then right before high school, his family moved to a town in rural Virginia. It was a very small town and that’s when he started thinking that boys were cute. He was one of the smartest kids in class and that’s what he rooted his identity into. When he went to college, his identity fell apart because everyone else was the smartest kid. He was also struggling with his sexual orientation and couldn’t find a community where he felt he belonged.
After college, he got into a master’s program in counseling. He also came out as gay in graduate school and found community. He started to realize that he internalized so much hate from the world around him and believed the messages he received. But there is power in accepting yourself and believing it. It was then that he first started to feel like he belonged. So many doors opened for him after he accepted himself, including when a senior clinician asked him to help with a workshop on self-esteem.
Next, they discuss how people harm their self-esteem through basing their worth on external factors, constantly comparing with other people, and criticizing themselves. We need to convert comparison into curiosity and authenticity.
Instead of self-esteem, Dr. Richard has started talking more about the relationship we have with ourselves. He encourages listeners to examine and reflect on the voice we use when we talk to ourselves throughout each day. For example, is the voice brutally talking down to you about your shape, weight, hair, complexion, facial features, etc? Then, you need to identify where the voice comes from. Is it your voice, your parents’ voice, a coach’s voice, etc? Then, you need to identify what the voice is saying and how it is saying it. For example, is the voice talking in a cruel or judgmental way? Would you allow this voice to talk to someone you truly love? The voice we use to talk to ourselves doesn’t always need to be positive, but it should not shame us. Instead, it should help us grow in a healthy way. This is a very simple change, but it is transformative.
Lastly, Dr. Richard says that to him belonging means accepting himself and realizing that he is still a work in progress. He wants his friends and inner circle to not only accept but also challenge him.
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1:06 - Dr. Mona introduces today’s guest, Dr. Richard Tyler-Walker.
8:30 - How did you become interested in the topic of self esteem?
28:11 - Convert comparison into curiosity.
34:19 - What are the next steps for people who want to improve their self-esteem?
40:48 - What does belonging mean to you?
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Learn more about Dr. Richard Tyler-Walker
Learn more about the Belonging Reimagined Podcast
Connect with Dr. Mona Nour
